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How to recover from a Breakup – for Women

“The heart will break, but broken live on”  (Lord Byron)

“Why would you ever choose to be with
someone who is not excited to be with you?” (Mark Manson)

“All farewells should be sudden, when forever.”   (Lord Byron)

Get Back to Your Wonderful Self!

I spoke with a good friend who’s going through a tough patch right now including a breakup. Breakups happen – a lot. So, this is for her and anyone else coming back and recovering from a breakup.

Never take anything personally

It’s tough breaking up – especially if it’s been a long relation, but it happens. Don Miguel Ruiz had a unique take on this in his book “The Four Agreements”. One of the Agreements is “Never take anything personally.” People work with what they were taught, and what they believe, their biases, their prior judgments. If a person says something, another person will fill in around what was said with their own assumptions. Similarly, if something wasn’t said, they will paint in around that with their assumptions. Many times people don’t understand and rather than clarify with a question, they make assumptions about what was said. They end up having this “story” about other person and the way things are, which may have nothing to do who that person really is. He says “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”  This is the same mechanism in how a person can behave terribly to a complete stranger. It isn’t personal.

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”

“If you live in a past dream, you don’t enjoy what is happening right now because you will always wish it to be different than it is. There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive. This leads to self pity, suffering and tears.”

“True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake.”

“Why being dumped by a man is good for you.”

Sarah Vine, a journalist, wrote a column “Why being dumped by a man is good for you”.  She talks about Katy Colins whose fiance abandoned her at the alter. She quotes Katy: “His decision, though devastating at the time, was the wake-up call l needed.” Sarah then states that “a very similar thing happened to me in my early 30s. Like Katy, I was deeply traumatized – but being unceremoniously dumped by the man I thought was “The One” was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was the shock I needed to make me re-examine my existence and it lead me to me meeting the man I have no doubt really will see me all the way to my grave.” After [The One] left, “I remember, like Katy, having an overwhelming desire to escape the wreckage of my life. I sold my flat, my car and changed jobs. Like Katy, I traveled, often alone, and I read books and signed up for art classes… I reconnected with neglected friends, made a few new ones, and one or two errors, too.  Most of all, I resolved never again to let my heart get the better of my brain – even if it meant spending the rest of my life alone. Better a solitary existence…than reliving all that agony.”

“It was during one of those trips that I met the real love of my life: my husband. I wasn’t looking for romance and nor was he. In fact, it was most unexpected: no one who knew us would ever have matched us… Yet from the moment we went on our first date to a restaurant- he was an hour late, but luckily I’m so greedy I waited, and besides, the waiter kept bringing me glasses of prosecco “from the gentleman who is on his way” [guys – learn from this (my comment)]- my heart and head were in agreement: this one was a keeper. ”

“Every girl should have a Katy Colins moment when they’re forced to ask themselves what they really want out of life.  Because, as she and I have discovered, you really can shape your reality – and if you get it right , it can be better than your wildest dreams. ”

The only significance anything has is what we decide to give it.

There’s another thing to think about. David Michie, in his book “Buddhism for Busy People”, reminds us that when things occur, they happen and they happen without any significance, or importance. It is we who assign them a significance, and we can choose any significance we want.  Michie wanted first to be a published author. His expectation creeped up – he wanted to be a best-selling author. When he achieved that, he wanted to be a continually best selling author. When that didn’t happen, he thought his dream had fallen apart. But he got some advice, that if he liked to write, he should continue.  He then wrote on things he was interested in without expectations, and went on to write popular books that help people.

A breakup can be thought of as a catastrophe or it can viewed as a great opportunity. A door has closed but, now we have the time to look and see that other doors are open.  To build a new house (or life) custom designed the way we want, we have to  work and prepare a new clearing for it.  Will you really miss his flat ass, or that you ended up doing all the work, or that he didn’t give the warmth, contact or communication that you like? Maybe you didn’t feel great being around that person? Maybe you “knew” (felt) it had become a mistake, but didn’t pay attention to it?

Shakespeare says it in a different way. Hamlet tells his friends that he feels Denmark is a prison, and his friends respond “we think not so, my lord”. Hamlet answers “Why then ’tis none for you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is prison. ”  How we think about things determines how we feel. You survived fine before you met this guy, so you obviously know how to survive after this guy. Now, raise your game and instead of just surviving, go for thriving  – “… live deep and suck out all the marrow of life” – Thoreau

Talk to a Trusted Friend

Friendship is really the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love”  -Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey

Venting is important. Talk to a friend you trust. Get it out so you’re not holding it in any further.  It does hurt, so talk about your feelings. Having support and washing out the wound will help the healing begin.

“Gotta Get Up to Get Down” – Coolio

On the practical side, there is life, and hope, and many opportunities out there – many fish in the sea! All you have to do is SHOW UP (one of the Secrets of Life). Get out of the house – alone or grab a friend.  Go somewhere you enjoy – preferably that has  music – and MOVE – dance, walk, jog, exercise, ice skate, ski, swim,  bike ride, mountain climb, kayak, sail, stretch, do yoga, volunteer to help someone who’s badly off, learn something you always wanted to do – take art, poetry, music classes, get into a play. Just do something you enjoy. I love to get some good, lively music on my phone, plug in and go walking.  I love dancing – even better with a wonderful partner. I love martial arts – the exercise, the coordination, the challenge, the movement.  I love drawing – the seeing and the wordless translation onto paper. It re-charges both my body and spirit and just feels good. Do things that feel good to you.

Another of the things you can do is to be kind to yourself.  In many ways we’re still little kids inside, still learning about life. Forgive yourself for any mistakes made.

“If your compassion does not include yourself,
it is incomplete.” – Buddha

There was one of those internet “list articles” for guys – ’25 Things to Think About before dating and Athletic Girl’ . Girls workoutIt mentioned “Those early mornings, late post-work nights and rushed gym sessions keep her feeling strong… [she doesn’t do it for you]…She’s a woman on a feel-good mission.”
Start making it your goal to be on Your “Feel-Good Mission”.

(A suggestion for when you get around to beginning a new relationship: see Some ways to know if he is a keeper)

Now, Be That Which You Want!

Anger is a great motivator. Harness it. After you get stronger and back on your feet (literally), then, see what Wayne Dyer said about –

Be That Which You Want”

Logo by Aaron James Draplin
Logo by Aaron James Draplin

Some music for your soul and “Moving On”

Here’s some “Music for Moving On” that I hope will help:

And here’s a  lively Spanish song – “You’re Not For Me”

Lyrics for “You’re not for me”

You tell me that you love me
That you can’t live without me
That you’re overwhelmed in those moments
I’m not with you
That you had always waited for me
That I was the person you dreamt about
The one that your mother wanted to be your woman

Ayyyy

That my eyes are stars
That my smile is the most beautiful
That all my attributes are perfect for him
If he were a photographer
If he were a artist
I’d be his Mona Lisa
and even a tango by Gardel
And that I don’t believe.

I want you to know
that you are not for me
That you’re not for me
I always knew
but didn’t pay attention…
Don’t even think about showing up around here
Show up around here
With your complications
and cheap stories

That you promised me the moon
That I’m like no one else
That I look like a damsel
that has to be protected
That you’ve left your vices
That his earth has elevated
That he promised the life that I deserve
And I don’t believe that.

I want you to know that I’m not for you
That I’m not for you,
I always knew it, but didn’t pay attention
That I don’t even think about starting with you again
Starting with you again
My heart can’t take more disaster

And I, who I told myself so much
that you weren’t good for me
That you were my destruction
And me always trying to leave you
Your day has arrived
Your day has arrived.

Chorus

Here’s another upbeat song entitled: “I’m Stronger Without You”

Lyrics in English:

Braggart  –   (I’m stronger without you.)

Comparsions are odious
But I’ve got a thousand reasons
To know it was a mistake

I put in the balance what I have
And I encharge myself
to sing them to you, my love.

You swore wonders to me (No, no, no)
Even to cure my ills (Yes sir)
I have asked and confessed
even prayed the rosary to
The little virgin of love

But I
Convinced myself
That it is better to be alone
than be deceived by you

I will cry
I know it’s that way
But rest assured
I’m stronger without you
I’m stronger without you

I decided to clean even the closet
Giving away the unnecessary
Beginning with your love

I tried to my soul to love you
And it turns out my luck
Has turned out to have been the best

Do not dare to reclaim me (no, no, no)
Saying that you now know how to love me (Braggart)
So many promises to the saints
As you know there were so many
But not one answered  me

For that I
Convinced myself
It is better to be alone
Than be deceived by you

I will cry
I know it’s that way
But rest assured
I’m stronger without you

So I
Convinced myself
It is better to be alone
Than be deceived by you

I will cry
I know it’s that way
But rest assured
I’m stronger without you
I’m stronger without you

If you know of any other songs that help you get through a during a breakup, please let me know and I’ll add them.

Thanks.